Ever notice when you get emotionally hurt by another person, your chest hurts? I always thought that pain was from what someone did to me. I realized it’s not.
One day out sitting in the newly green grass on the ravine I realized something. I had a picture in my mind of a faucet being on and the vessel it was pouring into bulging at the seams. That’s how my heart felt.
Human Beings are meant to love. We can’t actually turn love off. But sometimes when we get hurt we try to wall it up. We try to dam it. And our little hearts burst at the seams till our hearts break. Our hearts break because we are walling up our love. In efforts to protect it. We’re taught some people don’t deserve it.
Not true. We love unconditionally. That’s what feels good. But unfortunately, in some circumstances we must love from a distance. But we can think loving thoughts and send well wishes. We can pray for them and even bless them from afar.
It feels good to know I can Leave the Love on.
To Everyone.
xoxo
xoxo
In my Storage Bin for my Precious Kiddos you won’t find their Sunday Best. You’ll find Stained Onesies with Alphagetti all over the Front. You’ll find Little Brown Boots with Spring Mud still caked in their Rubber Soles. You’ll see Worn Denim with Holes in the Knees. And Yes the odd Sunday Dress that was Mother’s Day Special. For Memories are made in the Ordinary Days. The days we did Nothing Special. The Days we just Sat and Read Dr. Suess on the Blue Checked Sofa. Smelling like Zoodles and Coffee and their Warm Bodies curled around me on the Sofa. The Soft Feel of Nap Time Settling In. Memories change as Time Goes On. Now I even Hate to Admit it, but Someday I will have Fond Memories of Heaps of Clothes on Their Floor. Three Day Cheerio Milk in Bowls by Beds. A Dog Diaper because Charlie wasn’t Fixed in Time.
The Last Two Weeks I’ve been getting Adrenaline Rushes. It’s Been Years. I guess it was Utter Adrenal Burnout. My Energy Levels were Zero. I Learned to Press On because of Necessity. I Learned to Prioritize. So you can imagine the Ultimate Thrill of waking up at Three AM and going “Shoot, I so wish it was Morning!”. I’m Excited to Live Again. Things Excite Me. I never believed in Adrenal Burnout. I honestly struggled Hating Myself. Deeming myself Lazy. But Darlings, Stress on the Adrenals is Real. Chronic Stress will Deplete your Energy Stores. I never understood why I felt so Convicted to Quit my Last Job. I loved it on so many Levels. Or why I needed so much Rest in the months following. But Friends, we need to trust our Bodies. Every Day they Work for Us. And they know when we are Tired. Near Burnout. So our Energy Drops. Our Bodies insist on Rest. And One Day, the Adrenals wake up from their Healing Sleep. And Stretch their Rejuvenated Limbs. And there’s that Feeling! That wonderful Surge of Life! The Stirring in the Belly. Your Heart Thumps for the First time in Ages. And instead of it being Scary it’s Stirring. It’s Life Giving. And you Realize you’ve Turned a Corner. And Wow you feel Young Again.
But you know, our Dear Friends and Family have Given Us the Floor. Everyone wants us to Find Our Rhythm Again. We Badly want to Find Our Rhythm. He is Still the One who Lights My World. His Arms Are Home To Me. So, The Dukes Gotta Come Down. The Heart Has To Stay Open. We Got to Trust the Choreographer. This Dance is Our Dance. I’ll Practice my Left Hooks at Rumble Studio. The Little Boxing Studio. Down the Street.
It was my first Act of Self Care. Stemware in my hand like Jazz playing gently from my stereo makes me feel Special. I remember when I made the Choice to do the Little Things. So every night when I went to bed I would reach for my Special Stemware. The ones I saved for Company or Family Dinners. It was Cool to the Touch and I loved how Pretty and Clear the water looked as it Swirled into the Glass. After Getting my Special Green and White Pill called Prozac from it’s Friendly Orange Bottle I would Head to Bed. I felt Luxury in that Moment. I realized Regardless of my situation, I could Make Life Special.
b l a c k l i l y 