My Gorgeous Kingly Son said to me “Momma I love you, Please don’t use your Snapchat filter to talk to me. I love you with your Flaws.” My Heart. I love Authenticity too. In Others. But sometimes I still want to just Pretty It Up a Bit. Scared that others might Love Me Less if they See the Truth. I know my only Hope to Be a Blessing is my Ability to be Real. But sometimes Vulnerability is Scary. And Sometimes its Hardest with those Closest to Us. But truly the Only hope of Connection comes through Truth. Rawness. Openness. Vulnerability.
So Today I will Fight the Urge to Filter Myself. Yes I will Wear My Optimism. I will choose to See Life through the Best Light. But I will never Try to Appear Better than I am in Real Time. I am Enough.
Thanks my Darling Son. My Kids are My Best Teachers and Mentors.
I Love You Hunter. I love All of You Too.
In my Storage Bin for my Precious Kiddos you won’t find their Sunday Best. You’ll find Stained Onesies with Alphagetti all over the Front. You’ll find Little Brown Boots with Spring Mud still caked in their Rubber Soles. You’ll see Worn Denim with Holes in the Knees. And Yes the odd Sunday Dress that was Mother’s Day Special. For Memories are made in the Ordinary Days. The days we did Nothing Special. The Days we just Sat and Read Dr. Suess on the Blue Checked Sofa. Smelling like Zoodles and Coffee and their Warm Bodies curled around me on the Sofa. The Soft Feel of Nap Time Settling In. Memories change as Time Goes On. Now I even Hate to Admit it, but Someday I will have Fond Memories of Heaps of Clothes on Their Floor. Three Day Cheerio Milk in Bowls by Beds. A Dog Diaper because Charlie wasn’t Fixed in Time.
Yesterday making Lemon Meringue Pies at Grammies I loved looking at Her Square Finger Tips pressing the dough. Her Lilting Laughter. Our Little Knowing Glances at each other Sharing the Comical. Laughing at Ourselves. It Reminded me of Mom’s Lemon Meringue and Sunday Dinners of Summer. Beautiful Roast Beef with all the Trimmings. Dad’s beautiful graceful strong hands Peeling the Squash.
I’m so Grateful for Sunshiney Moments. Today I will Take Snapshots of Special Ordinary Moments. For Life is Fleeting. The Joys are Many. Sorrows Too, but Joy Surpasses. For There’s Blessing in the Ordinary Days. Today I will Open My Eyes and Heart to See Them.
Have a Sunshiney Day.
I Love You
We don’t have Control. Of Anything. We’re not supposed to. We can go with the Flow of Life though. We can Surrender. We can be WholeHearted. When we try to Control, we get Rigid. We become Manipulative and Demanding. Our minds Narrow. Wisdom goes out the Window. We become Lawful instead of Loving. Demanding instead of Demonstrative of Grace. Human Spirits have been called to Liberty. To Love and Shine Light. To be Free. To Flow in the Beauty of Life.
So Lets Flow. Lets Let Others Flow. Let Freedom Reign. In Your Own Heart and The Hearts of Others.
Free Fly Today Friends. I Dare You. Enjoy the Sensation of Liberty. It’s Rather Adrenalinish.
I Love You. xoxo
The Last Two Weeks I’ve been getting Adrenaline Rushes. It’s Been Years. I guess it was Utter Adrenal Burnout. My Energy Levels were Zero. I Learned to Press On because of Necessity. I Learned to Prioritize. So you can imagine the Ultimate Thrill of waking up at Three AM and going “Shoot, I so wish it was Morning!”. I’m Excited to Live Again. Things Excite Me. I never believed in Adrenal Burnout. I honestly struggled Hating Myself. Deeming myself Lazy. But Darlings, Stress on the Adrenals is Real. Chronic Stress will Deplete your Energy Stores. I never understood why I felt so Convicted to Quit my Last Job. I loved it on so many Levels. Or why I needed so much Rest in the months following. But Friends, we need to trust our Bodies. Every Day they Work for Us. And they know when we are Tired. Near Burnout. So our Energy Drops. Our Bodies insist on Rest. And One Day, the Adrenals wake up from their Healing Sleep. And Stretch their Rejuvenated Limbs. And there’s that Feeling! That wonderful Surge of Life! The Stirring in the Belly. Your Heart Thumps for the First time in Ages. And instead of it being Scary it’s Stirring. It’s Life Giving. And you Realize you’ve Turned a Corner. And Wow you feel Young Again.
So Rest if your Body is asking for it. It’s Wiser than you Think.
I Love You.
I’ve become somewhat of a Dance Fighter. My Poor Dance Partner is Reeling, the Last one caught him Square in the Jaw. We’re not talking about Actual Punches Here. Just Innuendo. Accusation. Mistrust. Fear. It doesn’t Help Reconciliation. So we’ve Decided to sit out a few Dances till I can Handle My Emotions. It’s Kinda Disheartening that I still got my Dukes Up. The Reaction of My Dance Partner Melted My Heart. Our Conversation about it was Full Of Understanding and Love. He Knows How Scared I am. Why is it so Hard to Just Enjoy the Dance? But you know, our Dear Friends and Family have Given Us the Floor. Everyone wants us to Find Our Rhythm Again. We Badly want to Find Our Rhythm. He is Still the One who Lights My World. His Arms Are Home To Me. So, The Dukes Gotta Come Down. The Heart Has To Stay Open. We Got to Trust the Choreographer. This Dance is Our Dance. I’ll Practice my Left Hooks at Rumble Studio. The Little Boxing Studio. Down the Street.
I Love You.
It was my first Act of Self Care. Stemware in my hand like Jazz playing gently from my stereo makes me feel Special. I remember when I made the Choice to do the Little Things. So every night when I went to bed I would reach for my Special Stemware. The ones I saved for Company or Family Dinners. It was Cool to the Touch and I loved how Pretty and Clear the water looked as it Swirled into the Glass. After Getting my Special Green and White Pill called Prozac from it’s Friendly Orange Bottle I would Head to Bed. I felt Luxury in that Moment. I realized Regardless of my situation, I could Make Life Special.
It’s the Little Things. It’s the Chocolate Stashed Away. It’s Jazz. It’s Coconut Soap. It’s Four Dollar Tulips. It’s Dog Cuddles. It’s Neighbour Smiles. It’s Birds Chirping.
Take the Time to Create Luxury. True Luxury is Free.
Sorry Kids, Yes I Stash Chocolate.
I Love You. Luxuriate Today.
We go through things in Life that make our legs Concrete. Our joints become hot and sore from Stress. Our knees Tremble and Shake. An Elephant takes Residence on our Chests. Making it hard to Breathe. Laundry Piles become Everests. The dishes in the sink Taunt us. The soft light of Dawn becomes Blinding and Painful. Sleep becomes our only Escape. Our Beds become our Safe Zone. And also a Torture Chamber if sleep Eludes. Smiles become Frozen in Place. Completely Incongruent with our Broken Spirits.
But Life Calls. So we Rise. We dress our weak Bodies. We Pray and Pray and Pray. We feel Fleeting Courage for a Moment only to have Fear Rise and Pull us Downward once more. Everything we knew and trusted in is Pulled into Question. But we Cling to Hope. Slug the Coffee and Face the Day.
There’s times in Life when Ten Percent is One Hundred Percent. Don’t Judge Yourself. Ignore those Who Do. You’re Rocking Your Pain. You Got Up. You Faced the Day. I’m Proud of You. The Sun Will Come Out Again. I Promise. And You Will Fly. Stronger. Higher. Faster. Than Ever.
I Love You Warrior Tribe.
There’s certain sounds that pull me into the Past. Of Special Memories. A time of Innocence. I’m not Brushed Up on my birds, so I can’t say the species, but when it sings I am a Young Girl staying at my Auntie Sharon’s sweet little Cape Cod style home. Tucked in the Birch Trees. Up in her Darling Bedroom under the Eave. Krista Lee’s Room. The window is slightly ajar and there’s a bird singing. The same one I’m hearing this Morning.
There’s also the sound of the Crow. When I’m out walking my dog on the Ravine behind my house it’s Call takes me back to Hunter Lake. I can see the Tall Balsam Firs behind my home dancing in the New Brunswick winds off the Atlantic Ocean. I can see the railroad tie fence and the little white Barn. And the Crows circling overhead. The Fir Tree Dance was one of my favourite memories of Home. I loved watching them out my window. So Strong and Powerful and so Graceful. The Soothing Sound of the Wind.
As I sit by the Elbow River, coffee in hand and rubber boots swaddled in Spring Mud there’s little Ducks making their Swath through the Water. Their little feet paddling so happily under the water and their gentle quacks remind me of The Pond. I loved throwing my Rubber Boots on as a child and trekking through the Pasture. A plastic bag of leftover bread in my hand. I would call out to them, and they would come waddling up the Pasture to greet me. So Comical in their Perfect Incoordination as their little Orange Feet tried to Hurry them Along. There was nothing better than watching them Dive so Excitedly into the Water and Peck the pieces of Bread out of the Calm Waters. The setting so Peaceful and Pure.
Today I’m going to Seek out Nature. I’ll walk Charlie at the Elbow River. I’ll sit and Listen to the Birds. And Memories of Today and the Past will intermingle. And my Gratitude will Float Upward and the Corners of my Mouth will too. Thank You Beautiful Life. Thank You Beautiful Earth. Today I will make Time for the Birds. And my Heart will Sing.
Have a Happy Day.
“Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and the openhearted vision of people who embrace life.” – John Lennon
The last two days I’ve chosen Fear as my Dwelling Place. Not because anything Happened. Just because I focused on Hurt. The Past. I chose to Isolate. Harden. To Shrink.
Then a girl in a Unicorn Sweater showed up. Bearing two kinds of Cheetos. So we sipped Hot Chocolate and ate Cheetos till our fingers were sticky and orange. And slowly the Warmth of her Love and Spirit made mine come out of Hiding. I stuck my head out of my Lonely Cave and Smelled the Fragrance of Peace. Love and Liberty. She spoke of Unconditional Love and it’s ability to Bring Health. To Heal the Giver even more than the Benefactor. And my Heart Unthawed. A Spiritual Spring as the snowflakes fell outside my window started to thaw my Heart. A warm wind blew. The wilting flowers of Joy and Love and Passion once again started to tilt their heads to Her Sun.
I don’t even know what to say as the tears run down my face as I am typing this. But I fiercely Love my Esther. I didn’t know when I met you last summer and we sat on that hot bench that you would be a Mentor. Decades younger and yet my Mentor. My Unicorn Sweater wearing, Joy emanating, Cheeto eating, little piece of Magic. How did I ever get so lucky? I am Humbled at my blessings in Her.
My Heart is so Happy. Thank you my Fearless Esther. Your Bravery and Love Heals Me.
I love you Esther, and I love all of You.
Life experiences had knocked me down. Life had become a series of days of survival. breathing….putting on whatever was clean…saying a prayer for strength and braving my day with a tense smile and a broken heart. Self care wasn’t even a foreign concept, it was no concept at all. It seemed indulgent and something for the privileged. Someone with time, money, affection and care. I don’t know the moment where i realized i had stopped giving myself moments of joy. but it began to dawn on me that i had stopped treasuring the simple things, the pure things in life. the things that truly breathe vitality and a certain humility into our veins that stirs our souls and awakens joy again. i don’t remember the moment this dawned, but i remember the morning i set my phone on the bathroom counter and for the first time had decided my shower was going to become a luxurious moment. as the wonderful sound of the soulful saxophone started to play and the steam started to billow around my little bathroom i felt for the first time in years my blood pressure start to drop and a surge of joy and even a childlike moment where my toes started to wiggle and a little smile flickered across my face at the woman in the mirror that decided in that moment to change her life. i still every morning start my day with jazz in the shower. i highly recommend it.