My Gorgeous Kingly Son said to me “Momma I love you, Please don’t use your Snapchat filter to talk to me. I love you with your Flaws.” My Heart. I love Authenticity too. In Others. But sometimes I still want to just Pretty It Up a Bit. Scared that others might Love Me Less if they See the Truth. I know my only Hope to Be a Blessing is my Ability to be Real. But sometimes Vulnerability is Scary. And Sometimes its Hardest with those Closest to Us. But truly the Only hope of Connection comes through Truth. Rawness. Openness. Vulnerability.
So Today I will Fight the Urge to Filter Myself. Yes I will Wear My Optimism. I will choose to See Life through the Best Light. But I will never Try to Appear Better than I am in Real Time. I am Enough.
Thanks my Darling Son. My Kids are My Best Teachers and Mentors.
I Love You Hunter. I love All of You Too.
In my Storage Bin for my Precious Kiddos you won’t find their Sunday Best. You’ll find Stained Onesies with Alphagetti all over the Front. You’ll find Little Brown Boots with Spring Mud still caked in their Rubber Soles. You’ll see Worn Denim with Holes in the Knees. And Yes the odd Sunday Dress that was Mother’s Day Special. For Memories are made in the Ordinary Days. The days we did Nothing Special. The Days we just Sat and Read Dr. Suess on the Blue Checked Sofa. Smelling like Zoodles and Coffee and their Warm Bodies curled around me on the Sofa. The Soft Feel of Nap Time Settling In. Memories change as Time Goes On. Now I even Hate to Admit it, but Someday I will have Fond Memories of Heaps of Clothes on Their Floor. Three Day Cheerio Milk in Bowls by Beds. A Dog Diaper because Charlie wasn’t Fixed in Time.
Yesterday making Lemon Meringue Pies at Grammies I loved looking at Her Square Finger Tips pressing the dough. Her Lilting Laughter. Our Little Knowing Glances at each other Sharing the Comical. Laughing at Ourselves. It Reminded me of Mom’s Lemon Meringue and Sunday Dinners of Summer. Beautiful Roast Beef with all the Trimmings. Dad’s beautiful graceful strong hands Peeling the Squash.
I’m so Grateful for Sunshiney Moments. Today I will Take Snapshots of Special Ordinary Moments. For Life is Fleeting. The Joys are Many. Sorrows Too, but Joy Surpasses. For There’s Blessing in the Ordinary Days. Today I will Open My Eyes and Heart to See Them.
Have a Sunshiney Day.
I Love You
We don’t have Control. Of Anything. We’re not supposed to. We can go with the Flow of Life though. We can Surrender. We can be WholeHearted. When we try to Control, we get Rigid. We become Manipulative and Demanding. Our minds Narrow. Wisdom goes out the Window. We become Lawful instead of Loving. Demanding instead of Demonstrative of Grace. Human Spirits have been called to Liberty. To Love and Shine Light. To be Free. To Flow in the Beauty of Life.
So Lets Flow. Lets Let Others Flow. Let Freedom Reign. In Your Own Heart and The Hearts of Others.
Free Fly Today Friends. I Dare You. Enjoy the Sensation of Liberty. It’s Rather Adrenalinish.
I Love You. xoxo
The Last Two Weeks I’ve been getting Adrenaline Rushes. It’s Been Years. I guess it was Utter Adrenal Burnout. My Energy Levels were Zero. I Learned to Press On because of Necessity. I Learned to Prioritize. So you can imagine the Ultimate Thrill of waking up at Three AM and going “Shoot, I so wish it was Morning!”. I’m Excited to Live Again. Things Excite Me. I never believed in Adrenal Burnout. I honestly struggled Hating Myself. Deeming myself Lazy. But Darlings, Stress on the Adrenals is Real. Chronic Stress will Deplete your Energy Stores. I never understood why I felt so Convicted to Quit my Last Job. I loved it on so many Levels. Or why I needed so much Rest in the months following. But Friends, we need to trust our Bodies. Every Day they Work for Us. And they know when we are Tired. Near Burnout. So our Energy Drops. Our Bodies insist on Rest. And One Day, the Adrenals wake up from their Healing Sleep. And Stretch their Rejuvenated Limbs. And there’s that Feeling! That wonderful Surge of Life! The Stirring in the Belly. Your Heart Thumps for the First time in Ages. And instead of it being Scary it’s Stirring. It’s Life Giving. And you Realize you’ve Turned a Corner. And Wow you feel Young Again.
So Rest if your Body is asking for it. It’s Wiser than you Think.
I Love You.
I’ve become somewhat of a Dance Fighter. My Poor Dance Partner is Reeling, the Last one caught him Square in the Jaw. We’re not talking about Actual Punches Here. Just Innuendo. Accusation. Mistrust. Fear. It doesn’t Help Reconciliation. So we’ve Decided to sit out a few Dances till I can Handle My Emotions. It’s Kinda Disheartening that I still got my Dukes Up. The Reaction of My Dance Partner Melted My Heart. Our Conversation about it was Full Of Understanding and Love. He Knows How Scared I am. Why is it so Hard to Just Enjoy the Dance? But you know, our Dear Friends and Family have Given Us the Floor. Everyone wants us to Find Our Rhythm Again. We Badly want to Find Our Rhythm. He is Still the One who Lights My World. His Arms Are Home To Me. So, The Dukes Gotta Come Down. The Heart Has To Stay Open. We Got to Trust the Choreographer. This Dance is Our Dance. I’ll Practice my Left Hooks at Rumble Studio. The Little Boxing Studio. Down the Street.
I Love You.
It was my first Act of Self Care. Stemware in my hand like Jazz playing gently from my stereo makes me feel Special. I remember when I made the Choice to do the Little Things. So every night when I went to bed I would reach for my Special Stemware. The ones I saved for Company or Family Dinners. It was Cool to the Touch and I loved how Pretty and Clear the water looked as it Swirled into the Glass. After Getting my Special Green and White Pill called Prozac from it’s Friendly Orange Bottle I would Head to Bed. I felt Luxury in that Moment. I realized Regardless of my situation, I could Make Life Special.
It’s the Little Things. It’s the Chocolate Stashed Away. It’s Jazz. It’s Coconut Soap. It’s Four Dollar Tulips. It’s Dog Cuddles. It’s Neighbour Smiles. It’s Birds Chirping.
Take the Time to Create Luxury. True Luxury is Free.
Sorry Kids, Yes I Stash Chocolate.
I Love You. Luxuriate Today.
We go through things in Life that make our legs Concrete. Our joints become hot and sore from Stress. Our knees Tremble and Shake. An Elephant takes Residence on our Chests. Making it hard to Breathe. Laundry Piles become Everests. The dishes in the sink Taunt us. The soft light of Dawn becomes Blinding and Painful. Sleep becomes our only Escape. Our Beds become our Safe Zone. And also a Torture Chamber if sleep Eludes. Smiles become Frozen in Place. Completely Incongruent with our Broken Spirits.
But Life Calls. So we Rise. We dress our weak Bodies. We Pray and Pray and Pray. We feel Fleeting Courage for a Moment only to have Fear Rise and Pull us Downward once more. Everything we knew and trusted in is Pulled into Question. But we Cling to Hope. Slug the Coffee and Face the Day.
There’s times in Life when Ten Percent is One Hundred Percent. Don’t Judge Yourself. Ignore those Who Do. You’re Rocking Your Pain. You Got Up. You Faced the Day. I’m Proud of You. The Sun Will Come Out Again. I Promise. And You Will Fly. Stronger. Higher. Faster. Than Ever.
I Love You Warrior Tribe.