We all have Pivotal Points in Our Lives. A Big One happened For Me about Fifteen Years Ago. Prior to, I was Living Fairly Status Quo. Checking Off Lists. Doing the Right Things.
I Felt Dead Inside.
Nothing Reverberated. All of It was for Somebody Else. Their Idea of a Life Well Lived.
I No Longer could Tolerate the Feeling of Living Outside My Own Sphere of Individuality. So Bit by Bit. Painful Layer by Painful Layer I started to Shed My Old Ways.
I Started to Think for Myself. I Listened to My Heart. I Poured Over the Scriptures. I Spent Time on My Knees.
I Began to Live a Life that Made Sense to Me. I Changed My Actions to Fit with My Heart. I Realized No was an Important Word. I realized Just Because a Different Brain Than Mine Thought it, Did Not, by any means, Make It Right.
I Realized I was Ready to Be Wrong, but I Needed to Sort Things Out for Me. I was Willing to Fail, if it Meant to Learn. To Be Real. To Live My Truth, However Bloody and Scratched It Made Me.
That God would Honour My True Intention. Not to Wander From Him, but to Draw Nearer Through My Journey of Discovery.
Today, By No Means, Do I Have It Figured Out. But I can say, My Life is Something that Makes Sense to Me. Everything I Do Comes from my Own Convictions. My Own Aspirations. My Own Desires and Intentions.
Pivotal Points are Wonderful, albeit Scary When They Happen.
I sent this picture to a few of my favourite people. I said, ” what I want my heart to look like”. I found it SO interesting that that was my first thought when I looked at that picture. So my next question was, “What is it that you see when you look at this picture?” So from what I can see, here it is…
nothing is for show. someone entered the kitchen and took a picture because the sun rays were beaming in. the moment of stillness caught on film in a fraction of time. the brita drink container in its useful ugliness wasn’t even put away for a better shot.
it’s not fancy. nobody has tried to capture the perfection of pinterest in this kitchen. the drawers are melamine. the fabric under the sink is from a discount booth at a Walmart. but, in my heart, no “perfectly put together” and Italian marble could capture the essence of this kitchen.
all the things I love and matter to me are in this kitchen. sun rays. warmth. love of nature. comfort. sustenance. humility. beauty. safety. functionality. ease. and most of all, AUTHENTICITY. there’s also a beautiful aged chandelier adding a touch of glamour to the room.
So Yes, I want my heart to look like this kitchen on a summers day. The window is thrown open. Cats bask on the window sill. There’s onions ripening for a family dinner on the counter top. The unpretentious brita jug is in plain view. There’s a touch of glamour in the chandelier adding a touch of celebration to its function. a little indescript clock is marking time.
There’s a chair waiting in the dining nook for you, my friend.
I used to resent special treatment. I can hold my own door, thank you. The other day I had a change of heart. Two gentlemen stood on either side of the elevator and held it while I got on. Wow. Was my heart ever a puddle of love and respect for them. I wanted to reciprocate. Did it ever start a conversation in my head for the rest of the day. I queried. I introspected. I wondered. I understand the women that don’t want this. I used to see it as pandering. Thinking to myself, “Oh yeah, now what? My number? My address?”
Instead these men just kindly continued to discuss a deal they’re working on. They just were humbly doing what they felt good doing. That was holding the elevator for a woman.
I’d say their mamas raised them right.
Thank You to the men who just want to Do Right in their place in society. They crave the peace that comes from Nobility. From Dignity. From Being True Gentlemen.
On the Other Hand, I will Do My Best to Be a Lady. Kind. Virtuous. Discreet.
Here’s to Chivalrous Men. Here’s to Ladylike Women.
With Indignation. My Cheeks Redden. This is Not a Happy Post. But I am Compelled.
It’s a Memory Stirring My Heart. A Few Years Back I Nannied a Sweet Little Sheik Boy. His Dad a True Gentleman. A Pediatric Oncologist. His Precious Innocent Little Wife was a Radiologist.
She was taking Swimming Lessons for the First Time at 35. He Surprised her with a Speedo Bathing Suit. That Kind of Innocence. That Kind of Dream Marriage. That Kind of “Thank You for Blessing Our Country.” Kind of Perfection.
One Day the Lovely Woman Pulled me Aside. Tears Brimming Her Beautiful Soulful Brown Eyes.
“Jeannine, do I smell…?”…..Oh My Heart Breaks as I type this…
“No Darling, why do you ask?”
A Tear Spills Over…..”Because a lady at work says I smell…and that we should cook our curry in our garage so our clothes don’t smell….”
I Think she Felt my Heart Breaking. My Heart Broke. How can People Be so Unkind? How can we not be Gentle with each other? Do they not See Her? Little Mrs. First Time Swimming Lesson Innocence? Mrs. Silently Cry when she Leaves Her Precious Baby Every Day? Mrs. Tender Hearted Perfection?
Well if They Can’t, I Sure Will. Today and Everyday, No One is Mistreated By Me. Not On Purpose Anyway. No One Should Have to Bear My Moods. My Prejudices. My Unkind UnEvolved Soul.
It Started in the Heart and Mind. Think Peaceful Happy Thoughts. Kind Loving Thoughts. Then we won’t Need To Monitor Our Mouths.
Everyone at some point has Dealt with a Bully. Taking your Gentleness as Weakness, they Push You Around. They Need to Feel Powerful. Loving to Oppress. For a Moment they Feed their Need for Power and Relevance through You.
Look in their eyes….
You’ll Often See Fear. Bullies are Afraid Insecure People . When you can Understand this, it takes their Power Away to Hurt You.
Disarm them with Your Quiet Confidence. Stay Comfortable in Your Own Skin. Two Things Often Happen…
Their Attention goes Elsewhere…or as you Role Model Strength and Courage
The Fear in their Eyes Melts away. Confidence finds a New Spring in Their Step.
They’ve Become Inspired…
The World Becomes a Little Kinder. A Little Brighter.
They Make Tears Run Down My Face Like Rivers. The Wind as I walk Charlie Whisks them Away. The Stain Still Smeared on my Cheeks. Sometimes, they just Show up Unannounced. Demanding Entry. Smashing Down my Bolted Heart’s Door.
Shame. Regret. Grief. Longing. Fear. Pain.
Gosh What a Family.
They Rip the Living Room Carpet Up Every Time. Exposing the Elephants in the Room. There’s a lot of Elephant Excrement too under that Dang Rug.
They Demand my Attention. That they be Acknowledged. Their Needs Attended to. Which Always Includes that Dumb Elephant.
When they Show their Ugly Heads Around, I know my Dream Day is Gone. That I will now be Engrossed in this Flipping Family Fraught with Failures. Feelings. I will Cry Inconsolably. I will Wish. I will Repeat “I’m So Sorry” to No One and Everyone Inparticular.
But You Know What, Each Time They Come, They Lay Claim to an Elephant. They Drag its Lumbering Behind Out the Door with them. Like they’re taking Some Treasure. If They Only Knew.
I Feel Lighter. The Living Room Rug is One Less Elephant Lumpy. And A lot Less Smelly. I Got More Heart Leg Room. Room to Stretch. Room for Good Guests.